hahahahahah nice, touche my friend.
Share Your Best Jokes Here
- Thread starter D/\SH
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hahahahahah nice, touche my friend.
A vicious convict escaped from the state prison he was incarcerated in for 25 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. When he tied the mans wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her ear and then got up and went into the bathroom. While the convict was in the bathroom, the husband whispered to his wife; ‚ÂListen this guy is probably an escaped convict. Just look at his cloths. Hes probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman for years. I saw how he looked at you and kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain: dont say anything to upset him. Do whatever he tells you to do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us both. Be strong honey, I Love You!‚Â His wife responded by saying; He wasnt kissing my ear. He was whispering in my ear. He told me hes gay, thinks your cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. Be strong honey. I Love You too!‚Â
hahahahah now thats wrong but i had to say i saw that coming a little bit lmao good one none the less though.
whats the rating of this thread???
One day at the zoo, a little boy and his mom saw two monkeys having sex, the little boy asks his mom what they were doing, she said " honey their making cupckaes", on the way home the little boy saw two wild dogs haveing sex, he asks, "mommy what are they doing", she says "their making cupcakes". The next morning the mom wakes up to find the little boy sitting at the end of the bed. He asks "mommy, were you and daddy making cupcakes last night" she answers "yes honey how'd you know" he says "'cause i licked the icing off the sheets"
--------- New Post Merged on 9/8/2009 at 04:40:25 --------
heres the text version you can send to your friends in a text message:
A kid saw 2 dogs humping... Mom says they re bakin a cake. The kid said i know, u and dad baked a cake last nite. I ate frosting off the couch.
One day at the zoo, a little boy and his mom saw two monkeys having sex, the little boy asks his mom what they were doing, she said " honey their making cupckaes", on the way home the little boy saw two wild dogs haveing sex, he asks, "mommy what are they doing", she says "their making cupcakes". The next morning the mom wakes up to find the little boy sitting at the end of the bed. He asks "mommy, were you and daddy making cupcakes last night" she answers "yes honey how'd you know" he says "'cause i licked the icing off the sheets"
--------- New Post Merged on 9/8/2009 at 04:40:25 --------
heres the text version you can send to your friends in a text message:
A kid saw 2 dogs humping... Mom says they re bakin a cake. The kid said i know, u and dad baked a cake last nite. I ate frosting off the couch.
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lalomartinez
Registered
Alright here is another **Mexican Word Of The Day**Honor** Last night I was doing my girl, I was about to cum and she said "cum in me lets have a baby,"..I was like B ITCH you crazy, so I cum HONOR chichis!!
crazaytalent
Registered
ewww...dude, that was gross... now my stomach all messed up....lol
The latest autopsy came out on Micheal Jackson. The examiner determined the cause of death was food poisoning.
13 year old nuts was found in his mouth.
--------- New Post Merged on 10/8/2009 at 04:26:10 --------
aaaaaaand "How do you make an asian man blind? Put a steering wheel in front of him."[/quote]
I thought it was dental floss....
13 year old nuts was found in his mouth.
--------- New Post Merged on 10/8/2009 at 04:26:10 --------
aaaaaaand "How do you make an asian man blind? Put a steering wheel in front of him."[/quote]
I thought it was dental floss....
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then my job is done. lol
to give back to the kids for all the stuff michael jackson did they decided to cut him into blocks so the kids could play with him....
word on the street is mj is dead and daycare buisnesses are booming knowing that there kids are now safe on the streets...
Michael is dead... at the autopsy... they found a recorder of michaels confession in his stomach wrapped in little boys underwear... it started off... "do you wanna play a game?" (SAW MOVIE WATCHERS!)
Michael died and his ghost reappeared... what was he looking for?... to destroy the evidence of the boys he slept with....
there are way too many on michael that's jacked up.. i lived dancing like him and popping... thats where i got my pop and lock from... no homo.. real story.. lol.. that's how i got into hip hop dancing... ok now that i wrote this... i think i was raped somehow too.. through the tv... lol... this sounds nasty after writing all these jokes.. lol.. NO HOMO...
word on the street is mj is dead and daycare buisnesses are booming knowing that there kids are now safe on the streets...
Michael is dead... at the autopsy... they found a recorder of michaels confession in his stomach wrapped in little boys underwear... it started off... "do you wanna play a game?" (SAW MOVIE WATCHERS!)
Michael died and his ghost reappeared... what was he looking for?... to destroy the evidence of the boys he slept with....
there are way too many on michael that's jacked up.. i lived dancing like him and popping... thats where i got my pop and lock from... no homo.. real story.. lol.. that's how i got into hip hop dancing... ok now that i wrote this... i think i was raped somehow too.. through the tv... lol... this sounds nasty after writing all these jokes.. lol.. NO HOMO...
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Warning: Virus
There's a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else -- do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks -- and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive -- so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.
--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 05:57:38 --------
Maybe This Will Work
A boy that was being raised in a very religious family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a long time." And he began to write again:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole week......" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a long time." And he began to write again:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?" Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope the letter was in...then, he tore it to shreds.
He ran home and took the statue of the Virgin Mary his grandmother had given him off of his bureau. He proceeded to wrap a shoelace tightly around the small statue and place it in a shoe box. He then threw the shoe box into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter"
"Dear Jesus, I have your mother!"
--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 06:10:25 --------
Interesting Emergency Calls
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police
There's a new virus. The code name is "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else -- do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks -- and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive -- so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.
--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 05:57:38 --------
Maybe This Will Work
A boy that was being raised in a very religious family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a long time." And he began to write again:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole week......" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a long time." And he began to write again:
"Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?" Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope the letter was in...then, he tore it to shreds.
He ran home and took the statue of the Virgin Mary his grandmother had given him off of his bureau. He proceeded to wrap a shoelace tightly around the small statue and place it in a shoe box. He then threw the shoe box into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter"
"Dear Jesus, I have your mother!"
--------- New Post Merged on 30/8/2009 at 06:10:25 --------
Interesting Emergency Calls
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn.... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police
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Human Years
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
holy shit hes back? hahahahaha damn ram is back after forever lmao
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
I ABSOLUTELY love it. LOL!
--------- New Post Merged on 31/8/2009 at 09:24:21 --------
The Bully
This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outrageous and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
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so there's this 400lb dude and he wants to loose wait his friends hooks up this place that he says he always see's hot babe's there so the dude goes there and he walks in and says i want to loose 100 pounds so the girl says 100 bucks he pays and she tells him to go down the hall and it's the 2nd door on the left. so he walks in and he see's this bad ass broad with big tits and she says if you catch me you can F^%$$^ me all you want so he starts chasing her around the bed and finally he catches her slam her down on the bed and F$$**^$%** the shit out of her
and after its all said and done he's a 100 pounds lighter so he goes back to the counter and says i want to loose another hundred pounds slaps down another 100 and the girl at the counter tells him to go down the hall and it's the 3rd door on the left and he walks in and he she a even better looking broad and she says if you catch me you can do whatever you want to me so he's chasing her around and around finally he catches her and he slams her on the bed and F%$%^&$ the shit out of her. so hes 100 more pounds lighter he's feeling all good and shit and on the way out the door something in his mind tells him maybe he should get some more of that good good stuff so he walks up to the counter slaps down 20 bucks and say ah! what the hell i want to loose 20 more pounds so the girl smiles and says ok all the way down the hall last door on the right and as he's walking down the hall he's thinking he's gonna get another hot babe so he struts on in and closes the door and the room is kind of dark so he looks around and this big gay dude steps out and says NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BIG BOY!
and after its all said and done he's a 100 pounds lighter so he goes back to the counter and says i want to loose another hundred pounds slaps down another 100 and the girl at the counter tells him to go down the hall and it's the 3rd door on the left and he walks in and he she a even better looking broad and she says if you catch me you can do whatever you want to me so he's chasing her around and around finally he catches her and he slams her on the bed and F%$%^&$ the shit out of her. so hes 100 more pounds lighter he's feeling all good and shit and on the way out the door something in his mind tells him maybe he should get some more of that good good stuff so he walks up to the counter slaps down 20 bucks and say ah! what the hell i want to loose 20 more pounds so the girl smiles and says ok all the way down the hall last door on the right and as he's walking down the hall he's thinking he's gonna get another hot babe so he struts on in and closes the door and the room is kind of dark so he looks around and this big gay dude steps out and says NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BIG BOY!